Coping With Being a Parent

~ Dr. Patrick Mbajekwe

Having kids is the easy part, but once you make that step, you are taking on the most important role you will ever hold in your lifetime, being a parent.


Being a parent means you are taking on a responsibility, both moral and financial. It means you are officially an adult. Pretty frightening stuff, but also very rewarding. You are now wearing many hats. You are a protector, role model, guidance counselor, entertainer, teacher, and the list goes on indefinitely. The point being, when you have kids, you become their universe when they are little, and hopefully their friend when they grow up.


How does this all happen? We all heard this a million times - "Kids do not come with instruction manuals." This is true, but in essence, the instruction manual is inside us all. Kids learn by example, and often act and follow what their parents' actions. So what can we do to guide our kids into adulthood?


Controlling Your Kids Actions
When kids are little, they often mimic what their parents do and say. We, as parents, need to be very careful of how we act or what we say around kids. If we display signs of aggression or give in to the urge to lose our temper, kids often pick up on that and will act out those emotions in school, playground or even back at you. It is always better to (a) take a step back (b) take a few minutes alone (c) take a deep breath and (d) think before you act out. We, as human beings, are not always perfect, but if you keep in mind that you are a role model for your kids and then ask yourself, "Is this how I want them to act?" The next time you want to scream or fight in front of them, or raise your voice at them, you will think twice.


To Rule Or Not To Rule
How strict do you need to be with your child? That depends on many factors. Upbringing, religion, society, and so forth. Your personal beliefs factor in this decision greatly. The fact whether it is a one person or two people household also plays a big part in your decision. But no matter what you decide, first, NEVER make empty threats that you do not intend to follow through on, and second, Support one another. All the people in your child's environment, have to support your decision. You need to stand united, or else all your hard work will fall to waste. Make sure a "yes" is a yes from everyone, and "no" is not "I'll go ask Dad then."


To Do or Not To Do
When a child is in his or her growing stages, do you tell them what they need to do, or do you ask them to make a decision on what they think they should do. This is also a big controversy. Some people say that kids don't know what the right path is, therefore you need to teach them right from wrong. And when they grow up, they will know better. While others say to let them choose their own path, and be there for them to guide them through it. If they make the wrong decision, and they will make a lot of them; eventually they learn to make the right decisions, and carry what they've learned into adulthood. This is a very personal issue, and also falls back on your own upbringing, personality, and beliefs. There is no right or wrong here. Go with what your gut tells you.


Keep The Communication Open
Talk to your kids. The best place to do that is at the kitchen table. Try to have at least one meal together as a family. Once the communication is open, your kids will tell you about what is going on in their lives. And at the very least, you will be able to pick up on their feeling and views on different topics. Make this a habit. If you can't have your meals together, find some quiet time on the car ride to school, supermarket, while watching TV. It doesn't matter where, but if you show your kids that they can talk to you about anything, they are more likely to come to you when they are having a problem, and you can pick up on potential problems before they come to be.


Overall, in the midst of this very confusing process of being a parent, there are many walls we will hit, mistakes that we will make, and the bottom line is that kids really don't come with instruction manuals on what is the right or wrong thing to do when it comes to raising them. We do the best we can, and hope for the best. The one underlying fact is that in the end, we need to create an environment for them to lean on, take with them when you're not going to be there for them, and hopefully your role as a parent will graduate into a role of a friend when they become adults.